I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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