so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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