i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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