My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
