I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
