well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
