I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
