You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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