If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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