I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
