I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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