I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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