I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
