Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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