Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
