dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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