so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i think my cat just said my name.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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