I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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