I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
