you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I believe in your delicious
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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