if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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