I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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