your parents love me but you hate me
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
