just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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