I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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