Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
