So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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