Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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