i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
