Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
