this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
