How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
where am i from again
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
