I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
