mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
