I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
