don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
