Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm both gender and math confused
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