um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
