Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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