Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
