I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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