I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Randomize
