I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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