it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
