God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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