The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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