peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
