tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
