My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
