Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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